Tear Catcher Cremation Urn

Tear Catcher Cremation Urn

As tear catchers have fallen away from use in contemporary mourning ritual, we developed the concept for a dual purpose urn incorporating tear catching so as to revive interest in the homage.

Tears: A Measure of Grief
Tear catchers (aka tear bottles, lachrymae) have been used in mourning ritual by the bereaved for thousands of years. The tradition has evolved from antiquity with Egyptian pharaohs, Persian sultans, Roman warriors, wealthy Victorians to Civil War relics displayed in museums around the world in every culture and religion.

In fact, reference to collecting tears in a bottle can be traced as far back as to Psalm 56:8 where David prays, "Thou tellest my wanderings, put thou my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy Book?"

Our original design surrounds a loved one's remains with actual tears. The grieving becomes part of the memorial art making process which is visible in the final piece. As the prototype could not be made by hand we used a combination of SLA Stereolithography 3D printing that brought together modern rapid prototyping techniques with ancient tradition. The culmination of which is in this smooth organically shaped tear form crafted in a pearlescent glazed glass-like finish.

Rather than utilizing old methods from traditional tear catchers (placing one's eye into the bottle opening or wiping ones face with the bottle), the inner tear bottle stopper is fin shaped in order to be removed from the bottle and used for cleaving tears from ones face. This design collects more tears, while being both more comfortable and private for the mourner.

Our bottle is also much larger than traditional lacrymatories. This is because we designed the bottle with a reservoir similar to a dolls “refilling milk bottle” which spreads the tears across the face of the bottles inner body rather than pouring its volume into the larger cavity of the vessel. The result is a memorial object that is much more unique, impressive, distinctive, beautiful and personal.

Approximately 200 tears will fill the ½ oz tear reservoir. As shown, the urn is translucent which allows one to see the cremated remains inside.

Funerals and Personal Hopes

Art of the Funeral

A funeral is a collaborative work of performance and art. The funeral is a time for family and friends to support one another, and share intimate memories. A misconception is that a funeral is solely for those who are religious. It is as much a moment of reflection as it is a series of events providing tasks and activities to undertake as an expression of feelings.

Weeping for Ourselves

It is important to note that as much as we grieve for our dead, attending a funeral is just as much about weeping for ourselves. Roussell, describing anticipatory grief writes, “some people have feelings of guilt and anxiety over having too little time to settle issues and put things in order for their loved ones.”1 For others, attending a funeral establishes emotional stability and security through the unspoken promise of reciprocation. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
 

Supporting One Another

 

Funerals offered communities the chance to support to one another. For example, in a scene from the French motion picture “Amelie,” the lead character daydreams about her own funeral. She watches the procession on television and weeps at the sight of people mourning her death. We can identify with this girl. We are at center of our own universe and therefore secretly wish for others to mourn our own deaths. The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we subconsciously grieve for ourselves. 

We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for a death to have meaning. It explains why we host lavish funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
Do you have special plans or hopes for your own funeral? 

¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.

 

Funerals and Memorials Support Surviving Friends and Family

When a person dies, the world seems to continue right along as though nothing has happened, and to the bereaved this experience can be extremely isolating. The funeral custom provides a social function where friends and family of the bereaved can gather to offer support. "The funeral service has the effect of drawing a social support network close to the bereaved family shortly after the loss has occurred, and this kind of social support can be extremely helpful in the facilitation of grief".² The social support provided during the funeral rite, can provide encouragement to the bereaved in considering the adjustment to living without the lost loved one.

By acknowledging all of one’s family, friends and neighbors that remain available in one's social circle, one may find reassurance and comfort in the fact that they are not alone. The communities promise to attend funerals establishes emotional stability, security, and support in facing death. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. If "people have an aversion to death, they have a persistent sense of despair and hopelessness"¹, The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we grieve for ourselves. "We attempt to master the storms of life by finding palatable reasons for our personal suffering. With the discovery of meaning comes the possibility of restoration".¹

We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for life to have meaning. It explains why we host funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection.

Please share your thoughts on supporting a friend or loved one who is grieving. What did you find to be most helpful? What advice can you share with others?




¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.
² Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health

Funerals Aid Healthy Grief

"True healing can not take place without the journey through the grieving process"¹. An important role of a funeral is to facilitate grief. "If [the funeral] is done well, [it] can be an important adjunct in aiding and abetting the healthy resolution of grief"². As our culture is "largely death-denying and death-defying"¹, making the loss real to the bereaved is a very important task of mourning. Accepting the reality of the loss is the very first task of mourning to be achieved. "There is always a sense that it hasn’t happened"².

Perhaps we find it easier to deny the death, and to believe it has not happened, but the funeral provides a place in which this denial can be directly addressed. People must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead and will not return".² By seeing the body of a lost loved one, it helps "bring home the reality and finality of death"² to us. The funeral practice provides a setting in which viewing the deceased is appropriate, acceptable and healing.

In American culture, we have been taught to hold back public displays of mourning so as not to make others uncomfortable. We are encouraged to shed tears in private. This isolation can lead to unhealthy grief. Our funeral homes and cemeteries provide a venue in which mourning can take place socially. The funeral service setting can assist the bereaved in expressing the feelings and thoughts about the departed. At the funeral, the bereaved is provided an opportunity to engage in discussions about the dead, to hear or share eulogies and other stories about the deceased. The need to express one’s feelings in a safe place is important in promoting grief, and we should give people "permission to acknowledge and express emotions".¹ "The funeral service can help the grief process, as it allows people to talk about the deceased".²

Please share your thoughts on funerals and or viewings. How do you feel they aid the bereaved survivors? What else do you think is helpful to survivors in accepting such a loss?

¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.
² Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health 

Re-imagine Sympathy Gifts

When a cousin's husband died recently, many friends sent her sympathy cards, flowers and/or gift baskets. Local friends and neighbors brought her a variety of cakes, chocolates and wine. Most of the food she received consisted of sugary breaded items (like cupcakes, muffins and cookies) and as a gluten free person, she could eat very little of it. 

We were surprised that no one thought to bring her any food of nutritional sustenance like meat dishes, salads or vegetables. Although she was eating very little at the time, she did not feel like cooking anything. It was unfortunate that the foods she received appeared more like Valentine's Day goodies than sympathy gifts. Sympathy foods really should be more nourishing. 

Please share your thoughts about Sympathy Gifts.

 
Have you received gift baskets of desserts after a death in your family or have you sent desserts to a bereaved friend/family member? What can we do to improve sympathy gifs to be sure they nourish the bereaved?

Bereavement Leave - Not Guaranteed, Not Universal

This article focuses on bereavement leave policies and legal provisions. I chose to focus on this topic, after learning from a friend and former co-worker, that the Clark Regional Wastewater District in Vancouver, WA, recently closed down their office for the memorial service of one of their employees, Chris Hodnefield. His healthy lifestyle and fitness habits were well known and his death came as a shock to all.

Bereavement Leave – Not Guaranteed, Not Universal
Firstly, in researching bereavement leave, employers are not required to pay for this type of leave by the federal government and most states. I decided to focus my research on the west coast states of Washington, Oregon and California.

• Washington State - “An employer is not required to give workers paid…bereavement leave.”

• Oregon State – “Bereavement leave is not covered by or required under state or federal family leave laws. Like other benefits, bereavement leave is dependent on the employer´s policy.”

• California State – “Neither federal nor state laws currently provide protected leave for bereavement.”

Employer Bereavement Policies
Since the laws do not require bereavement leave, employers are left to decide whether to offer bereavement leave to their employees or not. Although the most common time period of leave employers offer is 3 days, the policies vary from 1 to 5 days. Some employers determine the leave for bereavement based on the relationship of the individual to the decedent.

A Look at 6 Oregon Employers Bereavement Leave Policies

Private Educational Institution
Lewis & Clark College
• 5 Days for the death of a Spouse, Same Sex Domestic Partner (SSDP), Child, Stepchild, Parent, or Sibling.
• 4 Days for the death of Stepparent of self/spouse/SSDP, Grandchild of self/spouse/SSDP, Grandparent of self/spouse/SSDP, Son-in-law or Daughter-in-law of self/spouse/SSDP, Child of Spouse/SSDP, Stepchild of Spouse/SSDP, Parent of Spouse/SSDP, Sibling of Spouse/SSDP
• 1 Day for the death of “Any relative not specifically mentioned in this policy.”

Global Technology Corporation
Intel
• “Intel offers leave programs to eligible employees in the event they are unable to work due to …personal situations.”

Global Multinational Retailer Corporation
Walmart
• Paid time-off including: …bereavement

Public Institution Fundraising Organization
Oregon Lottery
• 1 Day Paid – “Full-time employees may request up to 24 hours of paid bereavement leave for the death of a family member.”

Public Educational Institution
Oregon State University
• Up to 3 Days - “Classified employees are eligible for a maximum of three (3) days paid bereavement leave per instance arising from a death in the immediate family of the employee or the employee’s spouse or domestic partner.”

Multinational Snack and Beverage Manufacturing Corporation
Pepsi Co.
• No mention of bereavement leave, only a reference to “Family Leave”.

In researching bereavement leave, it was interesting how difficult it was to find out which companies offered bereavement or funeral leave for their employees. Walmart offered superior benefits with paid bereavement leave. Other companies didn’t fare so well (Intel and Pepsi Co.). Also intriguing was the overall random quantity of the leave with employees being offered 1 to 5 days paid depending on the company and the nature of the relationship of the employee to the decedent.

Pet Bereavement Leave
I was surprised to discover bereavement leave extended to include family pets by the SPCA of San Francisco. According to the Wall Street Journal, “Several U.K. and Canadian companies, including the Bank of Scotland, also offer time off…for pet bereavement.” Considering that I have seen co-workers crippled by the loss of a beloved cat or dog, clearly unable to perform their duties I hope this leave becomes more prevalent. Hopefully more workplaces will consider changing their policies in the future.

Bereavement Leave Discussion
Join us on March 8, when we guest host Death with Dignity's TweetChat for a discussion on Bereavement Leave policies and attitudes.
http://www.deathwithdignity.org/TweetChats/

Get Ready - TweetChat Discussion Questions
1) As an end-of-life professional, do you feel supported by your employer’s bereavement policies?
Please share your experiences with Bereavement Leave policies.

2) How many days do you feel employers should give employees off?
Should relationship closeness dictate time off?
How do we keep people from abusing the time off?
How do we institute polices that support grief while avoiding abuses of time off?

3) What are the cultural and sociological attitudes towards contemporary bereavement leave? What do you foresee as the future for bereavement leave?

Hope to see you on March 8th for the Death with with Dignity TweetChat.

Reference Links
Washington State Department of Labor and Industries - http://www.lni.wa.gov/WorkplaceRights/LeaveBenefits/VacaySick/

Oregon State - Technical Assistance for Employers –
http://www.oregon.gov/BOLI/TA/T_FAQ_Tabenefits.shtml

California State – Assembly Bill Analysis to Extend Bereavement Leave –
http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/pub/11-12/bill/asm/ab_0301-0350/ab_325_cfa_20110817_142207_sen_floor.html

Lewis and Clark Bereavement Leave Policy –
http://www.lclark.edu/offices/human_resources/employee_resources/policies/benefits/leaves_of_absence/bereavement_leave/

Jobs and Intel – USA – Compensation and Benefits
http://www.intel.com/jobs/usa/bencomp/benefits.htm

Walmart Stores Benefits –
http://walmartstores.com/careers/7750.aspx

Oregon Lottery – Employee Benefits -
http://www.oregonlottery.org/About/Careers/EmployeeBenefits.aspx

Oregon State University – Leave Accrual & Use of Leave Time
http://oregonstate.edu/admin/hr/orient/benefits/cp/leave#bereavement

Pepsi Co. -
http://www.pepsico.com/Careers/Why-Work-at-PepsiCo/Benefits.html

San Francisco SPCA -
http://www.sfspca.org/about-us/careers/benefits

Wall Street Journal “Westminster Dog Show: Taking “Peternity” Leaves” -
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2009/02/11/westminster-dog-show-taking-peternity-leaves/

Dementia is Identity Theft

Over the past few years, my grandmother has steadily declined into dementia. Although she is still with us in body, she is no longer with us mentally. The grief I feel over losing her began with those first episodes of her mental decline and continues to plague me in different ways as the disease takes hold in more destructive ways.

The loss of my grandmother began when she started to forget the little things. The woman who baked me a birthday cake every year from scratch, no longer even remembered to send a card, much less baked period. She could scarcely recall small things like where I was living at the time. (I’d moved a few times as her decline began.) When I would call, she’d often ask me to stop by for dinner even though she’d long before stopped cooking. This also illustrated the fact that she had forgotten the logistics of where we were in relation to each other. (I was in the Midwest, and she was on the west coast.)

A holiday visit later that year confirmed grandmother's dementia was progressing. She had begun to regress into a childlike state. She was unable to wait for the family to leave for a restaurant, but began taking cookies from a cookie jar. While the family chatted before heading out to a restaurant, she continued to interject “When are we going to eat?” When my mother arrived, she said to her, “You’re so fat.” When my mother poured glasses of wine, she asked for one even though she had not drank wine for over 20 years. (Once she got the glass of wine, she clearly did not want it, she just didn’t remember she didn’t drink it any longer.) When I returned an uneaten serving of chips into their original bag, she copied me and began returning her uneaten portion of chips back into the bag as well.

Just three months after that visit, when her health took a sharp downhill turn, she was no longer caring for herself as she once did. The woman who refused to leave the house before reapplying lipstick and some perfume, the woman who had her hair styled once a week and got manicures every other week, now had not only begun neglecting her appearance, but also stopped showering altogether. Together my mother and I had to help her to wash and dress herself. The woman who cared for mom, and then me, the woman who helped raise me when I was young, now required our care as the “adults”.

Around that same time, she had begun requiring the use of diapers during the night. She could no longer awaken in time to use the restroom in the bathroom at night. Even now as she is in a good senior care facility, she continues to say its too much trouble to shower. She also continues to refuse to have her hair styled or cut, although she did agree to let the manicurist paint her nails “Munsters” green (a color my grandmother chose). A conservative woman, I only ever saw her wear various shades of pink on her nails. I would have found it amusing if it weren’t so damn depressing.

When we went through my grandparent’s house to sort items out once she was moved to the senior care facility, I found that personal hygiene items I had been sending her as gifts over the last few years (perfumes, cosmetics, skin and hand care gift sets), sat either barely used, or completely unopened. It saddened me to see the items I knew she would have enjoyed in earlier years, the things I handpicked to gift her, weren’t even valuable enough to take with her when she left her home.

I grieve the loss of the opportunities I will never have again because my grandmother’s dementia has changed her from the functioning person she once was. I will never learn how to make her buttermilk pancakes from scratch nor her baked chicken or many of her Midwest styled recipes she knew by heart. I will never get to learn more about her family history. I will never again have the opportunity to shop with her to pick out things, from the most special (my wedding gown) to the least important (a bed comforter). Knowing these things will not happen again has led me to hold onto her old cookbooks and the last items we shopped together for, back when she was still herself.

I am angry with myself for not making the most of those opportunities when I had them. I’m angry for not learning how to cook the dishes she excelled at. I’m angry for not writing more family stories down, and for those I did record, for losing them. I am remorseful for the one time I refused to eat the birthday cake she baked me because I was being an obstinate teenager, refusing to cheat on my low-fat diet. I cannot change any of these things, and that saddens me greatly.

In many ways, the loss of opportunities is what saddens me most of all. My grandmother is still here, and could potentially have still contributed to sharing her knowledge and experience with me if she hadn’t had dementia. No one sees these things coming. We see the life expectancies lengthening, and devoid of any serious illness, we think our loved ones are going to be here for years to come. Perhaps this is denial. Nevertheless, with that mindset we never get to make the most of each and every moment. I wish I had.

These days, I fear visiting my grandmother for I am afraid of how much worse she will have become. On a visit in September last year, I was shocked to find she no longer knew who my husband was, even though she was my one and only matron of honor in my wedding just a few years earlier. (I had no bridesmaids or maids of honor, just her.) On my father’s visit a few months earlier, she was able to connect the fact that he looked like someone she'd known, but she didn’t realize it was indeed him. Although she did recognize me on my visit, I could not truly have a conversation with her because she says very little, smiles and every few minutes pats her hand on the table or taps fingers on the table. During our luncheon at her senior care home, she said she wasn’t hungry, then proceeded to take French fries off my plate. She ordered a slice of blueberry pie and when my husband’s apple pie arrived, she wanted that instead. Throughout our visit she continually asked who my husband was.

What I have found interesting in this experience of grief is how it continually keeps changing. Each time I adapt to one loss, I face an entirely new one. I have adapted and adjusted through the grief of accepting the littlest things lost (my forgotten birthday, her no longer cooking or shopping), to the grief of seeing her own care of herself and the ability to function decline. I’ve adapted to the grief of seeing her forget people in the family, to the grief of finally accepting that the opportunities I’ve lost with her are gone and will never reoccur. My grief continues to change and evolve as I see her dementia slowly taking hold in more destructive ways. I grieve the loss of her memory as it continues to fade away and I grieve the loss of my grandmother as the person she once was.

Ordinary Events Make Memories Too

I recently found and washed an old black and white comforter my grandmother bought me back when I was in school. Although the black portion of the blanket has now faded to gray from too many washes and it still contains a medium cobalt blue stain from the time I spilled nail polish on the bed, I refuse to get rid of it.

The blanket now represents my memory of an event that will never take place again. My grandmother and I had shopped together to select and purchase the blanket; an outing I no longer even see as a remote possibility. Of all the photos, perfumes and memorable items I’ve collected in efforts to salvage my memories of my grandmother before she is gone, this is the only item I have that represents an activity we shared together.

We seldom value the errands we share with our loved ones. Things as trivial as buying a blanket at the mall or shopping for groceries are no doubt less memorable than a holiday celebration or a family dinner. Yet sometimes such trivialities are all that we have left of our time together. We should cherish any time we share with those special people in our lives, however we spend it – it may be all the time we get.

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