Re-imagine Sympathy Gifts

When a cousin's husband died recently, many friends sent her sympathy cards, flowers and/or gift baskets. Local friends and neighbors brought her a variety of cakes, chocolates and wine. Most of the food she received consisted of sugary breaded items (like cupcakes, muffins and cookies) and as a gluten free person, she could eat very little of it. 

We were surprised that no one thought to bring her any food of nutritional sustenance like meat dishes, salads or vegetables. Although she was eating very little at the time, she did not feel like cooking anything. It was unfortunate that the foods she received appeared more like Valentine's Day goodies than sympathy gifts. Sympathy foods really should be more nourishing. 

Please share your thoughts about Sympathy Gifts.

 
Have you received gift baskets of desserts after a death in your family or have you sent desserts to a bereaved friend/family member? What can we do to improve sympathy gifs to be sure they nourish the bereaved?

Widows Carry On

Today marks one year ago since my stepfather died on Easter Sunday. I’m both grateful and amazed my mother is still with us. His death was sudden and unexpected, and her grief was overbearing. I hoped she could make it at least this first year, and to see her thriving is a relief.

I would have to attribute her success as a thriving widow as having many projects that keep her busy, and having a fairly active social life. My mother-in-law’s best friend has recently arrived at her 2-year anniversary of her husband’s death. She too has kept going by traveling with her family nonstop and staying close to her family and social circles.

We can never predict when we’ll be faced with the loss of our beloved partner, but we hope to continue to find meaning in ours lives afterward.

Social Support for Seniors

“No matter what age they are, all human beings strive to be close to other human beings” (B). For seniors, the closeness and communications they share within a social support network results in many benefits. “The literature demonstrates a consistent association between well-being and social networks in old age” (C).

Family communication plays a notable role in the health of seniors. “Intergenerational family relations seem to be of special relevance in their contribution to health and well-being of older family members. Key features of intergenerational relationships include association, help, and support” (C). The helping and caregiving behaviors towards parents by adult children have been shown to be a result of life-span attachment theory according to Cicirelli (B). The increased attachment of adult children to their elderly parents as they age enhances the detection of the parent’s needs for help and “increases the likelihood that help will be given” (B).

Although elderly parents oftentimes receive help by their adult children, help is likely mutual between parent and child. While parents have given “more services and money to their children throughout their life…children give more emotional support, household help, and care during illness” (B). Of the help that elderly parents provide, Nussbaum, (2000) notes that “housekeeping, babysitting, food preparation, and help with finances” are the most common (B). However, this assistance wanes around the time when the parent reaches 75 years in age when the children begin to give more assistance than they receive in return (B).

Perhaps the emotional support, assistance and care during illness, by children of elderly parents, helps explain what the studies have indicated - that childless elderly people are less satisfied with family life (B). “Childless widows had lower overall well-being and were more lonely and dissatisfied with their lives than were widows with grown children” (B). Personally I have noticed that widows who are childless face additional hardships when their independence is affected. When a good elderly friend of mine became ill and could no longer tend to personal errands, the fact that she was childless compounded her troubles by forcing her to pay for things her children might have provided (in home assistance, deliveries of food and or rides to appointments).

Nussbaum (2000) mentions that “one of the most important aspects of the affective nature of the parent-adult child relationship is that closeness in this long-standing relationship provides a sense of continuity as the parent and child manage transitions in their lives” (B). This closeness offers emotional support for both parent and child as “they help each other through” stressful events and other adjustments (B). Widowhood is one life adjustment when widows and widowers have found their families to be most helpful. As women’s friendships are more “companionate, rather than comforting,” “widows find their friends helpful” but “not strong contributors to support systems” (B). Relatives of widows and widowers “give socioemotional assurance, financial aid and provide a source of identity” and more often accept their “frailties and vulnerabilities” (B), further proving that family closeness provides a level of support that is far superior to other relationships in seniors’ lives.

The health of seniors is deeply affected by communicative relationships as they “seem to influence how quickly they get well” once they become ill (B). For seniors without a strong social support system, “the difficult changes that many…face—such as the death of a spouse or medical problems—can lead to depression” (A). Fortunately, findings indicate that 34% of widows and widowers receive help from family or their support network (B). However, for seniors who live alone a strong support network may not be as readily available to them. A 2004 study indicated that, “living alone was…related to decreased levels of both perceived social support and feeling lonely after adjustment for potential confounders” (D). Yeh and Lo (2004) also note that a “lack of social support is common among the elderly community who live alone, which could well be a main reason for this group to feel lonely.” The fact that, “loneliness is linked to physical and mental health problems, [makes] increasing social support and facilitating friendships” vital for seniors (D).

Clearly, the benefits seniors obtain from close relationships with family and friends cannot be diminished. Family communication encourages much needed assistance and support for seniors during difficult times or when faced with health issues. However, prior to age 75 seniors offer a great deal of the assistance to their children. For seniors who live alone they might find it more difficult to build or maintain a strong social support network, which may help to explain why some childless seniors find less satisfaction with life than do seniors with adult children.

References:

(A) Depression in Older Adults and the Elderly - Recognizing the Signs and Getting Help. (2009). HelpGuide.org. Retrieved from: http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_elderly.htm

(B) Nussbaum, J. F., Pecchioni, L. L., Robinson, J. D., Thompson, T. L. (2000) Aging and the Family: Relational Lifestyle Changes. In Communication and Aging (2nd ed.). (pp.177,192-195,232)Mahwah: Lawrence Erlbaum Publishers.

(C) Tesch-Romer, C., Motel-Klingebiel A., von Kondratowitz H. J. (2002). Importance of family for quality of life of the elderly in a social and cultural comparison. NCBI PubMed. Retrieved from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12426880

(D) Yeh, Shu-Chuan Jennifer, Lo, Sing Kai. (2004). Social Behavior and Personality. FindArticles.com. Retrieved from: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3852/is_200401/ai_n9404648/
All content © Village Memorial. 2009-2010.

Crone Energy: Mary Higgins Clark

After reading the intriguing memoir “Kitchen Privileges” by Mary Higgins Clark, I was inspired by this prolific writer who overcame the odds and exhaustion of single motherhood (as a widow) and still made time to rise at 5am each morning to work on her writing, before getting her five children off to school, and heading off to her job.

Considering Mrs. Clark’s wide success in spite of her challenges and the fact that since age 63 she has published over 50 books, it seemed appropriate to choose her as a role model of crone energy.

Mrs. Clark's “books are world-wide bestsellers. In the U.S. alone, her books have sold over 80 million copies” (MaryHigginsClark.com, 2009). Although her specialty is suspense novels, she started out with short stories and has written a biographical novel “Mount Vernon Love Story” and co-authored three books with her daughter and fellow writer Carol Higgins Clark.

At age 81, Mrs. Clark has just published another novel in April of this year called “Just Take My Heart”. A dedicated woman with an unmatched determination to write, Mrs. Clark is definitely a role model for any writer.

Reference:
About Mary Higgins Clark. (2009). Retrieved from: ttp://www.maryhigginsclark.com/mary_higgins_clark.php

Photo Reference:
Coggins, M. (2009). MaryHigginsClark.jpg. Wikimedia Commons. Retrieved from: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:MaryHigginsClark.jpg

All content © Village Memorial. 2009-2010.

Widows Face Caregiving Needs Alone

Many friends I have are either widows or in second or third marriages to younger men. The fact that women outlive their men is a fact many women will face, though I see the strength it has provided some of my friends. My good friend Lily, widowed for four years, says she can now eat what she wants, when she wants, and without complaints. She cleans the house and kitchen and it stays clean for days or until she messes it up herself. She travels alone on long road trips to visit friends or family. She spends time pursuing her multiple hobbies and interests without anyone to hold her back or complain. Without her husband to stop her, Lily was finally able to sell and move out of the house they shared and move into a smaller apartment, something she’d been wanting to do for nearly a decade. Lily is just one of the women I’ve seen thrive in widowhood. As Ray (2004) refers to Helibrun’s essays, “the move toward self-knowledge and authenticity, the freedom to choose our own projects without guilt or self-recrimination, the importance of perpetual becoming – vibrate with crone energy” (p. 116). For my widow friends, life as a single person in later life has not been a death sentence but key to freedoms unavailable to them during marriage – namely “crone energy”.

Not only do most women outlive their spouses and live many years alone, their health in later years may require additional caregiving. If they have been long time caregivers beforehand, they may have spent or lost opportunities for significant retirement savings. “‘Women who take early retirement or otherwise modify their employment to provide care not only lose wages and wage-related benefits, but also jeopardize their own sources of income for their later years’” (Holstein, 1999, p. 233). When women begin to need long-term care themselves, lack of funds can create complications as “Medicare does not reimburse long-term care and covers home health care only if there is no one at home to provide it” (Nelson, 1999, p. 90).

“The longer lives of women and the relatively older ages of men at marriage mean that men have spouses to care for them while women are likely to be widows” (Holstein, 1999, p. 230). Considering my friend Cat’s second husband turns 80 years old next year, and she is still in her 50s, she will likely outlive her husband. In later life, she will probably require an in home caregiver or need to move to a retirement home. She will be just one of many women facing her caregiving needs alone.

References:
Holstein, M. (1999). Home Care, Women, and Aging: A Case Study of Injustice. In M. U. Walker (Ed.), Mother Time. Women, Aging, and Ethics. (pp. 227-244). Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

Nelson, H. L. (1999). Stories of My Old Age. In M. U. Walker (Ed.), Mother Time. Women, Aging, and Ethics. (pp. 75-95). Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

Ray, R. E. (2004). Toward the Croning of Feminist Gerontology. Journal of Aging Studies. 18.1. (pp. 109-121).

All content © Village Memorial. 2009-2010.