The most important element of a funeral is The Ethical Will.
An Ethical Will is, “A document in which a dying person states his or
her legacy to the family. It is a statement of the individual’s hopes
and dreams for his or her family, the values which he or she would like
to pass on and any other thoughts or messages which the individual would
like his or her family to remember.” Irish (1993) Its religious origins
trace back to the Hebrew bible where it was first described more than
3000 years ago, and in the Christian Bible (John Ch. 15 – 18). Some cultural universals found in the funeral rite are in the
storytelling aspects of ceremony. We make mention of family history
reminding each other of the awesome qualities and peak experiences we
shared as well as important events that took place. We come to terms
with regrets and share items that articulate our feelings with those
taking part.
The Ethical Will allows us to address these issues while we are still
alive. It is a method of passing the torch. We share our hopes,
aspirations and legacy of values with our loved ones and hope that our
wishes will be realized through them. In this way, the Ethical Will
serves as a method of enculturation. The Ethical Will is a tool for
empowering our descendants.
As a funeral rite, cultural norms include the passing on of
wisdom, family traditions and records. We narrate pictures and teach one
another about our roles. These blessings, personal values, and beliefs
communicate love. It is a time of reconciliation and forgiveness. The
Living Funeral focuses on a proactive message such as things we are
grateful for, things we learned from experience, and things that served
us well in guiding our actions. As a rule, we universally want to follow
through with final wishes so perhaps we ought to send our benefactors
off on a quest, their very own “Message to Garcia” of sorts. Perhaps
their quest is an ancestral scavenger hunt or quest to confront a fear.
Imagine receiving a message from beyond the grave, where someone
who cared about you, shared some bit of personal life experience that
could not be said in person. These messages are healing to friends and
relatives who might also be inspired to repeat the favor to their
forebears as well. The funeral home is a logical place to store such
materials to ensure that they can and will be found BEFORE the funeral.
It serves no one to have these materials stored in the back of a dark
closet or secret bank safety deposit box, where they are generally found
long after the funeral.
Please
share your thoughts on writing an Ethical Will. How will you document your legacy to your family? What special instructions will you leave?
When a person dies, the world seems to continue right along as though nothing has happened, and to the bereaved this experience can be extremely isolating. The funeral custom provides a social function where friends and family of the bereaved can gather to offer support. "The funeral service has the effect of drawing a social support network close to the bereaved family shortly after the loss has occurred, and this kind of social support can be extremely helpful in the facilitation of grief".² The social support provided during the funeral rite, can provide encouragement to the bereaved in considering the adjustment to living without the lost loved one.
By acknowledging all of one’s family, friends and neighbors that remain available in one's social circle, one may find reassurance and comfort in the fact that they are not alone. The communities promise to attend funerals establishes emotional stability, security, and support in facing death. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. If "people have an aversion to death, they have a persistent sense of despair and hopelessness"¹, The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we grieve for ourselves. "We attempt to master the storms of life by finding palatable reasons for our personal suffering. With the discovery of meaning comes the possibility of restoration".¹
We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for life to have meaning. It explains why we host funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection. Please
share your thoughts on supporting a friend or loved one who is grieving. What did you find to be most helpful? What advice can you share with others?
¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.
² Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health
As a funeral rite, cultural norms include the passing on of
wisdom, family traditions and records. We narrate pictures and teach one
another about our roles. These blessings, personal values, and beliefs
communicate love. It is a time of reconciliation and forgiveness. The
Living Funeral focuses on a proactive message such as things we are
grateful for, things we learned from experience, and things that served
us well in guiding our actions. As a rule, we universally want to follow
through with final wishes so perhaps we ought to send our benefactors
off on a quest, their very own “Message to Garcia” of sorts. Perhaps
their quest is an ancestral scavenger hunt or quest to confront a fear. 
