Funerals and Personal Hopes

Art of the Funeral

A funeral is a collaborative work of performance and art. The funeral is a time for family and friends to support one another, and share intimate memories. A misconception is that a funeral is solely for those who are religious. It is as much a moment of reflection as it is a series of events providing tasks and activities to undertake as an expression of feelings.

Weeping for Ourselves

It is important to note that as much as we grieve for our dead, attending a funeral is just as much about weeping for ourselves. Roussell, describing anticipatory grief writes, “some people have feelings of guilt and anxiety over having too little time to settle issues and put things in order for their loved ones.”1 For others, attending a funeral establishes emotional stability and security through the unspoken promise of reciprocation. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
 

Supporting One Another

 

Funerals offered communities the chance to support to one another. For example, in a scene from the French motion picture “Amelie,” the lead character daydreams about her own funeral. She watches the procession on television and weeps at the sight of people mourning her death. We can identify with this girl. We are at center of our own universe and therefore secretly wish for others to mourn our own deaths. The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we subconsciously grieve for ourselves. 

We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for a death to have meaning. It explains why we host lavish funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
Do you have special plans or hopes for your own funeral? 

¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.

 

Memorial Day - America Honors the Fallen

Today we remember our fallen soldiers, who died defending the freedoms that we Americans now enjoy. 

Below, we've shared some quotes from others about what Honor and Memorial Day means to them and Video Tour of Portland's own Willamette National Cemetery as they pay tribute to the nation's fallen on Memorial Day.

"Memorial Day isn't just about honoring veterans, its honoring those who lost their lives. Veterans had the fortune of coming home. For us, that's a reminder of when we come home we still have a responsibility to serve. It's a continuation of service that honors our country and those who fell defending it." ~Pete Hegseth

"Memorial Day remains one of America's most cherished patriotic observances. The spirit of this day has not changed - it remains a day to honor those who died defending our freedom and democracy." ~Doc Hastings

"As America celebrates Memorial Day, we pay tribute to those who have given their lives in our nation's wars." ~John M. McHugh

Visiting Willamette National Cemetery for Memorial Day

Take a virtual Tour of Portland's own Willamette National Cemetery in Honor of Memorial Day. (The 240-acre cemetery was completed and officially opened on December 14, 1950.)

Please share your thoughts. What does Memorial Day mean to you? How do you plan to honor the fallen who died defending our country today?

The Ethical Will

The most important element of a funeral is The Ethical Will. An Ethical Will is, “A document in which a dying person states his or her legacy to the family. It is a statement of the individual’s hopes and dreams for his or her family, the values which he or she would like to pass on and any other thoughts or messages which the individual would like his or her family to remember.” Irish (1993) Its religious origins trace back to the Hebrew bible where it was first described more than 3000 years ago, and in the Christian Bible (John Ch. 15 – 18).
 
Some cultural universals found in the funeral rite are in the storytelling aspects of ceremony. We make mention of family history reminding each other of the awesome qualities and peak experiences we shared as well as important events that took place. We come to terms with regrets and share items that articulate our feelings with those taking part.

The Ethical Will allows us to address these issues while we are still alive. It is a method of passing the torch. We share our hopes, aspirations and legacy of values with our loved ones and hope that our wishes will be realized through them. In this way, the Ethical Will serves as a method of enculturation. The Ethical Will is a tool for empowering our descendants.

As a funeral rite, cultural norms include the passing on of wisdom, family traditions and records. We narrate pictures and teach one another about our roles. These blessings, personal values, and beliefs communicate love. It is a time of reconciliation and forgiveness. The Living Funeral focuses on a proactive message such as things we are grateful for, things we learned from experience, and things that served us well in guiding our actions. As a rule, we universally want to follow through with final wishes so perhaps we ought to send our benefactors off on a quest, their very own “Message to Garcia” of sorts. Perhaps their quest is an ancestral scavenger hunt or quest to confront a fear. 

Imagine receiving a message from beyond the grave, where someone who cared about you, shared some bit of personal life experience that could not be said in person. These messages are healing to friends and relatives who might also be inspired to repeat the favor to their forebears as well. The funeral home is a logical place to store such materials to ensure that they can and will be found BEFORE the funeral. It serves no one to have these materials stored in the back of a dark closet or secret bank safety deposit box, where they are generally found long after the funeral.

Please share your thoughts on writing an Ethical Will. How will you document your legacy to your family? What special instructions will you leave?

Funerals and Memorials Support Surviving Friends and Family

When a person dies, the world seems to continue right along as though nothing has happened, and to the bereaved this experience can be extremely isolating. The funeral custom provides a social function where friends and family of the bereaved can gather to offer support. "The funeral service has the effect of drawing a social support network close to the bereaved family shortly after the loss has occurred, and this kind of social support can be extremely helpful in the facilitation of grief".² The social support provided during the funeral rite, can provide encouragement to the bereaved in considering the adjustment to living without the lost loved one.

By acknowledging all of one’s family, friends and neighbors that remain available in one's social circle, one may find reassurance and comfort in the fact that they are not alone. The communities promise to attend funerals establishes emotional stability, security, and support in facing death. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. If "people have an aversion to death, they have a persistent sense of despair and hopelessness"¹, The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we grieve for ourselves. "We attempt to master the storms of life by finding palatable reasons for our personal suffering. With the discovery of meaning comes the possibility of restoration".¹

We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for life to have meaning. It explains why we host funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection.

Please share your thoughts on supporting a friend or loved one who is grieving. What did you find to be most helpful? What advice can you share with others?




¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.
² Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health

Concerns: Embalming and Cemetery Pollution

Americans are concerned that embalming and cemetery burial contribute to pollution.

Here are some embalming/cemetery burial facts:

• 22,500 Cemeteries across the USA practice contemporary burial and are NOT environmentally sustainable.

• 827,060 Gallons of embalming fluid used each year. (Enough to fill 8 Olympic sized swimming pools).

• 5 to 29% - Formaldehyde content in embalming fluid.

• 9 to 56% - Ethanol content in embalming fluid.

• 104,272 Tons of steel used each year for caskets and vaults.

• 2,700 Tons of copper & bronze used each year.

• 30 Million+ feet of hardwoods used each year to make caskets.

• 60 Million trees cut down each year to make caskets.

• 1.6 Million tons of reinforced concrete in the construction of burial vaults. Enough concrete to build a two-lane highway from New York to Detroit.

• Enough concrete to build 13,573 American houses.

What makes embalming so toxic?

• 9 to 56%. Ethanol content.
• These chemical additives discourage the conversion of materials and there is no benefit other than the preservation of remains far longer than necessary. 
• The World Health Organization classifies formaldehyde as a carcinogen, In addition, Casket manufacturers are listed on the EPA’s top 50 hazardous waste generators list due to chemicals such as methyl and xylene used in the protective finish sprayed on the caskets exterior (a casket that will be buried or burned).

Green Embalming

Contemporary cemeteries and funeral homes are adopting green practices. Many traditional cemeteries are now sectioning off portions of their land for green burials. Additionally, many mortuary chemical companies like Dogde (making formaldehyde-free arterial fluid) and Champion (making Enigma - their line of non-toxic products) are beginning to make safe, environmentally friendly products.

Please share your thoughts about embalming and cemetery pollution: Will you choose embalming for yourself? Why or why not?

Should Americans reduce the use of chemicals in death care?

Scams Target Wives Listed in Published Obituaries

I’ve written a fair amount of obits for families, many of which have been published in newspapers. I always enjoy the process of making the family’s stories, anecdotes and facts weave together in a concise yet detailed remembrance of their beloved. However, before publishing my stepfather’s obituary I never knew the risks involved.

When my stepfather died, we wrote and submitted his photo with obituary to the local newspaper. A few days after the obit appeared, my mother began receiving strange overseas phone calls demanding money. All the callers claimed to be working for the Federal government. One stated he was from the IRS and stated my stepfather owed back-taxes and if my mother did not comply, she would be sued. Another stated she was calling from the state department, and was conducting an investigation on my stepfather for fraud . All of the callers told my mother to have her attorney contact them, giving her a phone number with a (San Francisco/bay area) 415 area code.  Also, after each threatening call, each caller would sign off with the same farewell message: “And have a blessed day.”

As the calls kept coming, my mother got so stressed out and frustrated that she started yelling back at them.  I begged her to change her number. Once the number was changed, the calls stopped.  Interestingly, when my mother finally called to have her number changed, the lady at phone company had a similar story. The lady’s mother and stepmother also received fraudulent calls after her father died and yes, his obituary too was published in the local newspaper. 

Since my mother was involved in handling their finances, she knew these callers’ claims was false. But what if she hadn’t known? It’s likely such scare tactics might work on a less informed spouse.  

Nowadays, fewer people are keeping a landline at home and even fewer have listed phone numbers. For families who still have listed phone numbers, I’m not sure I would recommend publishing a loved one’s obituary.

Have you ever written and published an obituary? Do you think it’s still safe to publish a loved one’s obituary?  Have you known anyone who has been targeted for scams after publishing an obit? 

Unforgettable: Good Funeral Music

At my stepfathers graveside service we had the bagpiper play “Minstrel Boy”, “Amazing Grace” (an all-time favorite played at most funerals), and “Will ye come back again”.

Wikicommons

Sadly it wasn’t until months after my stepfather’s service that we learned he wanted the song “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole played at his service. My mother was saddened to have learned of this much too late. She’s not alone. 

Many families have trouble locating the will or last wishes of their beloved. That’s why is so important to either pre-plan your final wishes with a funeral home or be very clear about where you have left the paperwork.

Some emergency responders recommend leaving vital health information papers in waterproof container inside your fridge or freezer. 

Where do you feel important paperwork/final wishes should be kept?