Funerals and Personal Hopes

Art of the Funeral

A funeral is a collaborative work of performance and art. The funeral is a time for family and friends to support one another, and share intimate memories. A misconception is that a funeral is solely for those who are religious. It is as much a moment of reflection as it is a series of events providing tasks and activities to undertake as an expression of feelings.

Weeping for Ourselves

It is important to note that as much as we grieve for our dead, attending a funeral is just as much about weeping for ourselves. Roussell, describing anticipatory grief writes, “some people have feelings of guilt and anxiety over having too little time to settle issues and put things in order for their loved ones.”1 For others, attending a funeral establishes emotional stability and security through the unspoken promise of reciprocation. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
 

Supporting One Another

 

Funerals offered communities the chance to support to one another. For example, in a scene from the French motion picture “Amelie,” the lead character daydreams about her own funeral. She watches the procession on television and weeps at the sight of people mourning her death. We can identify with this girl. We are at center of our own universe and therefore secretly wish for others to mourn our own deaths. The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we subconsciously grieve for ourselves. 

We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for a death to have meaning. It explains why we host lavish funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. 

What do you hope people will remember about you after you die? 
Do you have special plans or hopes for your own funeral? 

¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.

 

Unforgettable: Good Funeral Music

At my stepfathers graveside service we had the bagpiper play “Minstrel Boy”, “Amazing Grace” (an all-time favorite played at most funerals), and “Will ye come back again”.

Wikicommons

Sadly it wasn’t until months after my stepfather’s service that we learned he wanted the song “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole played at his service. My mother was saddened to have learned of this much too late. She’s not alone. 

Many families have trouble locating the will or last wishes of their beloved. That’s why is so important to either pre-plan your final wishes with a funeral home or be very clear about where you have left the paperwork.

Some emergency responders recommend leaving vital health information papers in waterproof container inside your fridge or freezer. 

Where do you feel important paperwork/final wishes should be kept? 

Talking to Children About Death

My friend’s 86-year-old grandfather recently entered hospice after suffering a debilitating stroke that left half his body paralyzed. She’s making the best of what little time they have left, visiting him frequently without her children. When I asked why, she said she was concerned the kids would be afraid of him and how he looks now with the paralysis. 

Looking back at my stepfather’s graveside service last year, I was disappointed when the parents of two children (ages 8 and 10) decided against bringing their son and daughter to the cemetery because they thought it would be too much for them. Their children were very close to my stepfather, and I feel they should have been allowed to come to this service because it was a beautiful, family friendly service.

The service we held was held outdoors in the cemetery on a lovely sunny day with a horse drawn carriage. As a bagpiper led the carriage with a melody, everyone walked behind and followed the carriage to the burial site. The casket was closed the entire time and we had everyone place a flower on the casket before it was lowered. There couldn't have been a more perfect opportunity to address the subject of death with a child than this service.

Children understand death differently at different ages as shown below:

Age of Child	Comprehension of Death
0 to 3 years	No comprehension of death.
3 to 5 years	Unable to understand finality of death.
5 - 9 years	Begins to understand death is final, but not always that it is inevitable for everyone.
9 years & up	Understands death is final and inevitable for everyone.

Be completely honest. When explaining death, speak in tangible terms instead of philosophical ones. Give your children permission to cry and to express their feelings. If you do not know the answer to a question they ask, be honest about that too. 

Children need stability and therefore, families should not make up stories or fairy-tales about death. Never share with a child something you do not believe yourself or something they will have to discard later. We should also never tell them their loved one is in heaven, that death is like sleep, or that death happened because the person was sick. This last part in particular can scare children into fearing death from any illness, which is why it is not recommended.

Every parent has the right to decide when it is appropriate to expose their child/children to death. As a funeral director, I’m hoping parents will keep an open mind, and realize there are beautiful ceremonies that need not be frightening to their children but may help to expose them in a more gentle way. 

Do you remember your own first experience with death or the first time you had to explain death to your child? Was there anything you found that was comforting to you or your child?

Widows Carry On

Today marks one year ago since my stepfather died on Easter Sunday. I’m both grateful and amazed my mother is still with us. His death was sudden and unexpected, and her grief was overbearing. I hoped she could make it at least this first year, and to see her thriving is a relief.

I would have to attribute her success as a thriving widow as having many projects that keep her busy, and having a fairly active social life. My mother-in-law’s best friend has recently arrived at her 2-year anniversary of her husband’s death. She too has kept going by traveling with her family nonstop and staying close to her family and social circles.

We can never predict when we’ll be faced with the loss of our beloved partner, but we hope to continue to find meaning in ours lives afterward.