Talking to Children About Death

My friend’s 86-year-old grandfather recently entered hospice after suffering a debilitating stroke that left half his body paralyzed. She’s making the best of what little time they have left, visiting him frequently without her children. When I asked why, she said she was concerned the kids would be afraid of him and how he looks now with the paralysis. 

Looking back at my stepfather’s graveside service last year, I was disappointed when the parents of two children (ages 8 and 10) decided against bringing their son and daughter to the cemetery because they thought it would be too much for them. Their children were very close to my stepfather, and I feel they should have been allowed to come to this service because it was a beautiful, family friendly service.

The service we held was held outdoors in the cemetery on a lovely sunny day with a horse drawn carriage. As a bagpiper led the carriage with a melody, everyone walked behind and followed the carriage to the burial site. The casket was closed the entire time and we had everyone place a flower on the casket before it was lowered. There couldn't have been a more perfect opportunity to address the subject of death with a child than this service.

Children understand death differently at different ages as shown below:

Age of Child	Comprehension of Death
0 to 3 years	No comprehension of death.
3 to 5 years	Unable to understand finality of death.
5 - 9 years	Begins to understand death is final, but not always that it is inevitable for everyone.
9 years & up	Understands death is final and inevitable for everyone.

Be completely honest. When explaining death, speak in tangible terms instead of philosophical ones. Give your children permission to cry and to express their feelings. If you do not know the answer to a question they ask, be honest about that too. 

Children need stability and therefore, families should not make up stories or fairy-tales about death. Never share with a child something you do not believe yourself or something they will have to discard later. We should also never tell them their loved one is in heaven, that death is like sleep, or that death happened because the person was sick. This last part in particular can scare children into fearing death from any illness, which is why it is not recommended.

Every parent has the right to decide when it is appropriate to expose their child/children to death. As a funeral director, I’m hoping parents will keep an open mind, and realize there are beautiful ceremonies that need not be frightening to their children but may help to expose them in a more gentle way. 

Do you remember your own first experience with death or the first time you had to explain death to your child? Was there anything you found that was comforting to you or your child?

Books: Not Becoming My Mother by Ruth Reichl

In Not Becoming My Mother, Ms. Reichl explores her mother’s life history as she reads through a box of her mother’s old letters and diaries. Her journey through the box uncovers important life lessons that her mother strove to share with her.

Ms. Reichl finds that her mother, Miriam, grew up in an era that was less open to women to pursuing careers other than care of the family and household. One of the first letters she finds addressed to her mother, from her grandfather tells Miriam, “She was smart but it did not really matter. She was handicapped because she was not pretty. And she would be a failure if she never married.” Miriam was discouraged by her parents to study medicine and instead was encouraged to and received a degree in music.

After receiving her music degree Miriam instead opened a bookstore. “It was a bold move for the time. The day the shop opened Miriam’s mother’s good friend…sent a note of encouragement and congratulations: ‘I admire the intelligence and courage that you are manifesting in the venture. You are showing what girls can do in this, our age.’”

Her bookstore allowed her to correspond “with some of the most interesting minds of her day. Authors thanked her for critiques of their books.” However, despite Miriam’s independent success and intellectual achievements, her parent’s wished only marriage for her. “’How we pray for you to meet Him;' “’Happy New Year and may you find the Mr. Right. It is our one prayer and hope and we think of it every moment’; ‘There was a new moon last night, and I prayed and prayed for Him. I dream that you will find a mate.’”

In time, Miriam does marry, and “she described the marriage as ‘tempestuously unhappy,’ but women of that time did not walk out merely because they were miserable. And they certainly did not walk out when there were children.”

Miriam remarries around World War II to Ms. Reichl’s father. “The war years were a good time for strong women. Dad was to old to be called up, so he moved into her small apartment…My parents pooled their resources, found an investor and created a small publishing company to produce handwritten literary books.” Fortunately, it is in this second marriage that Miriam has found someone who encourages her intellectual pursuits and entrepreneurial efforts. Together the couple produced “a twelve–volume series called ‘The Homemaker’s Encyclopedia.’”

When they sold their publishing company, Ms. Reichl’s father encouraged Miriam to find other work “but after the war jobs for women were not easy to come by. In fact, women who worked were considered unpatriotic. ‘You women and girls go home, back to being housewives as you promised to do’, trumpeted an army general in a widely televised speech in the background you can hear the men cheering wildly.” “All of those smart, competent women sat at home, twiddling their thumbs and telling their daughters how much they had enjoyed working during the war.”

Miriam “took on volunteer jobs…doing stints at the Red Cross, the Girl Scouts, UNICEF, the Silvermine Guild of Artists, the Metropolitan Museum and the New York Public Library.” Her mother was “still in search of a meaningful career.”

Through the stories of her close friends’ experiences, Ms. Reichl’s mother worked to express thoughts on marriage and the importance of career work to her daughter. One of friends, Flora took over her husband’s business upon his untimely death, and made the company more successful than it was when he ran it. “’The business is four times the size it was when Lou [her husband] was alive. The funny thing is that if Lou hadn’t passed away she would have just been another bored housewife.’” Another friend, Claudia lost her drive to live after her husband died in an accident. In time however, Claudia bounced back, returned to her earlier career, and became “very busy, traveling endlessly around the world.” Her mother said, “’Claudia has a career. She does exactly what she wants and answers to no one but herself’…That was all she said. It was enough.”

In late life and after the death of Ms. Reichl’s father, Miriam “filled her life with all the things that she had always wanted – art, music, people – and freed herself from everything that did not make her happy…For the happiest years of her life, Mom relied almost entirely on herself.”

In the last chapter, “Gifts”, Ms. Reichl sums up the important lessons her mother taught her. “In her own oblique way Mom passed on all the knowledge she had gleaned…Work was her most basic lesson: Using herself as an example, she made me see that working is as necessary as breathing. Mom’s strongest belief was that ‘it is what we are made for’ and she was convinced that those who are not useful can never be satisfied. She tried to make me see that a job was not enough; she wanted me to have the meaningful career that she herself had yearned for.” On marriage her mother taught her “it works only when it is based on mutual respect between to people who encourage each other to live up to the best in themselves.” Ms. Reichl closes with “I began to understand that in the end you are the only one who can make yourself happy. More important, Mom showed me that it is never too late to find out how to do it.”

Reichl, R. (2009) Not Becoming My Mother: And Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way. New York: The Penguin Press.

Domestic Violence & Children

Children have a high propensity to misinterpret situations, and need their perceptions about events validated. Different kinds of events call for different kinds of intervention and the insidious effects of chronic domestic violence have impact on the development and mental health of children exposed to abuse. We reviewed some of the methods for addressing the behavior during/ post abuse and consider here some of the generalities about the many conflicts that can arise in shared custody relationships.

According to Lundy Bancroft in his book, When Dad Hurts Mom, Helping Your Children Heal The Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, the deeper you delve into the child’s experience, the more you will be able to make them feel that you are holding them through their confusion and distress. Children experience domestic violence by seeing incidents happen or witnessing the after effects of an altercation, hearing the incidents take place, witnessing the impact on the survivor, and sensing the atmosphere of intimidation. But children’s interpretations and perceptions matter as much as their experiences. Children will often blame themselves for parental disputes and so it is important to learn what they understand about what had happened and to clarifying the feelings/meanings which they had assigned to events witnessed. Without exaggeration or over promising validate, reassure and clear up misconceptions. Most children hide their feelings, and as a result may exhibit abnormal side effects triggered by things that happen around them, confuse, or generate a strong emotional reaction. Researchers have found that a range of behavioral problems is common. Therefore encourage children to talk about their feelings and traumatic events explicitly to validate their sense of reality.

In fact, the emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence can be similar for children exposed to violence on a battlefield in that both groups endure loss, uprooting, and separation. But it may come as a surprise that the effects of domestic violence should be looked at as potentially more emotionally damaging to the survivor. Consider “symptoms of PTSD from crisis and domestic violence fall into 3 groups (Re-experiencing, Avoidance & Numbing; & Increased Arousal) here “Type 1 Traumas” are defined as responses to single, sudden, unexpected stressors and “Type II Traumas” long-standing, chronic stressors (e.g., chronic family violence). That “Type II traumas may result in secrecy and silence, (i.e. sexual abuse) Contrasts clearly with dramatic public events (i.e. disasters), Type II traumas.

Where children of war suffer along with adults collectively in an open setting, domestic violence survivors suffer privately and leading to stresses associated with disenfranchised grief. One can imagine the isolating effects embarrassment of sharing feelings may put on the survivor, and therefore recover take more time and additional therapy. “When much of what they heard and saw was remarkably similar to what the children of war heard and saw, these children were forced to endure their pain and sorrow in secrecy, silence, and isolation.” “Children Exposed to Domestic Violence” Helene Berman. Note, children who are able to “renew ties with at least one family member experienced fewer post-migration difficulties than those who lacked any family contact.” It reinforces that even though the separation of the abuser/survivor may be unavoidable for the adults involved, and even though the most dangerous time for the survivor is the period in which they are leaving the abuser, It would still very important for the children to maintain some semblance of the family unit. In allowing a child to maintain their relationship, we keep them feeling secure in their identity as apposed to separating children from an abuser can cause a fixation of thought, and that it is healthier for children caught in domestic violence situations to maintain contact and visitation (although forbidding communication with the survivor). Further, “Children of war typically experience “Cultural Bereavement” and subsequent identity problems as they strive to reconcile conflicting cultural values and beliefs” (Eisenbruck, 1988)

Sometimes an abuser may use visitations to undercut the survivors efforts, and attempt to create post-separation difficulties on the survivor. Survivors are encouraged not to speak badly about the abuser to their children. Researchers have found that the closer children feel to the abuser the more deeply hurt they are by their mistreatment. Here children may do an about-face and blame the survivor reproachfully asking them to forgive the abuser. Studies have also found that the closer children feel to the survivor, the better they do and that the better the children understand what is happening, the easier/healthier the situation can be. More work must be done to investigate the scope of broad effects domestic violence, and recognize the seriousness of the attention needed to access its effects on society.