Nursing homes have a responsibility to provide a safe
environment for their residents. They cannot put patients in positions at risk
to their health and romantic relationships are often allowed if in agreement
with the resident’s family.
One facility’s method is to encourage friendship; but mostly
try to discourage extensive physical closeness if there is dementia or physical
impairment. “As care providers, we must allow individuals their freedom and
independence to make those decisions.” Care facilities can hold weddings, allow
for boyfriend-girlfriend, and same-sex relationships. Sometimes inpatient
relationships can push limits. As one nurse describes it, “We do accommodate
people’s sexual preferences and sexual needs even if they have a mild dementia.”
One caregiver describes a very happy couple that met at her
facility. “Actually I just got a card from a lady who is not demented, but had
lived here as a patient and was very, very sick. And she writes to her on
January 19th of this year, ‘Dear everyone, some of your patients do get well,
you make them better. I thank you for your medical care, and for caring for me
as a person. I moved out in January. Just before Thanksgiving I met a man who
was recovering from a bad fall. We fell in love like two teenagers and married
in September. We wanted to let you know, thank you, and wish you a wonderful
new year.’ So you know, the most amazing things happen. We try to help people to live and feel hopeful even
if they have a medical diagnosis like dementia or some other condition.”
One couple with mild dementia married at the care facility.
“They both had their faculties and the families encouraged the relationship.
The man’s wife had died, so he got remarried.”
The facility retains a cautious stance on intimacy. “We
don’t encourage behaviors that we cannot manage, or that they [the residents]
can’t manage. We had a couple who were having sex right here in the garden
room. It was pretty close for the staff, but we allowed them until it became a
danger for the lady who needed oxygen.”
Sometimes the staff has to intervene with inappropriate
behaviors. “We’ve also had men who fondle woman from time to time and it’s
really inappropriate. When this happens we call in adult protective services.
We had to warn one man, his wife lived across the street at the assisted living
and he was in our memory care. And she had to tell him; you know if you don’t
stop this we’re going to have to move you to an all male facility. Sometimes
you have to move people to keep everybody safe. Despite all our efforts,
sometimes folks are asked to leave. But we give them chances to reform before
being kicked out.”
Have you had to discipline a resident who was acting out
sexually? Or perhaps you have witnessed successful new romances grow at your
facility? Please share.
which discussed sex after dementia and how patients with dementia can change to become more sexually demanding, I sent her a copy of the book, hoping she would get the idea, from a geriatrician with expertise.